Four things got me started

The theme and this first proper post for the Meaning of Men blog came about suddenly one morning in my bath (a good place for lucid thinking). Whilst wallowing in a cloud of 'Relaxation' bubbles, four recent discussions collided ultra-violently in my head... and started to make sense, sort of...

A realisation – I will almost definitely never really know ‘the meaning of men’. And yet… it’s just so tempting to try to figure them out, isn’t it.

So here I am, trying to figure them out, and here are the four thoughts that got me started:

1) One thing at a time
After yet another dating disaster earlier this year where a promising start came to an abrupt halt, my good friend Michelle gave me this startling insight:

“men can only deal with one thing at a time"

Marvin Gaye agreed:

"too busy thinking' 'bout my baby, that I ain't got time for nothing else"

Well at least his one thing was his girl!

Michelle continued:

"so if they’re wrapped up in some (ex/job/financial/confidence) crisis or other, there’s no chance of them even thinking about a relationship - you just have to sit it out, and even then there's no guarantee they'll see sense"

Oh.

So Debbie Harry was right then:

"but i'll wait my dear 'til it's my turn"

But for how long??

Michelle's theory was also confirmed by a male friend who explained that when they first met, his partner had apparently gone through hell for a few days after he told her he wouldn't be in touch for a while as he would be busy with other people. She thought it was a brush off; he was just being practical and letting her know that he can only deal with one thing at a time.

2) The art and science of decision-making
But wait a minute, says I, according to the Guardian (What women don’t understand about men, 04/11/2006), with men,

“once a decision is made, it must not be seen to change”

which means that there is absolutely no point whatsoever in me waiting around for a man to get over his (ex/job/financial/confidence) crisis, in the hope that at some point in the future he will be overcome with passion for me, if he’s already told me he cannot continue just now because he’s not over his (ex/job/financial/confidence) crisis.

Because that would mean he would be seen to be changing his mind. If you get my drift…

Hmmm.

3) Fragile egos
So then I got to wondering (dangerous, I know)... if men are so linear and black and white in their thinking, why are so many of them using dating sites when they are, often by their own admission, not over their ex? i.e. they are not ready to move on and any new women will only cause them the anxiety of producing grey areas in their otherwise neat and tidy minds.

B, a prospective soulmate, had the answer:

“I'm really not in a good place, and thought this might be good for my confidence...at the mo, it's purely for bolstering purposes."

And yet...

"I'm not getting much luck with my emails, prob cos they sound miserable no matter how much I try!"

It seems that in the wake of a break-up he was attempting to give his fragile ego a bit of a boost. Clearly his strategy was not working, and yet he couldn't back down because he'd decided to give it a go. (incidentally he was not the only one doing this, just the only one to openly admit it).

Where's the logic in that???

My brain started to hurt at this point.

4) Unfathomable
Which brings me to the crux of the matter, ably demonstrated via a brief text conversation with a good (male) friend of mine, at the early stages of a promising new relationship I'd started:

S: How was the weekend?
Me: Mainly good, I think… but not really sure where it’s going. I’ve completely given up trying to fathom men!
S: Probably best to stop trying to understand us.
Me: OK it’s a deal… providing you tell us what you’re thinking now and again
S: In your dreams!

So there you have it, it is women's natural instinct to try to understand men and men's natural instinct to wonder why we're bothering.

The quest continues...