Intermission

My next set of posts will wonder at the many nuances of Pictures, Words and Actions in the context of male:female communication and online dating in particular.

Given my music obsession it is also likely that you will start to notice (sometimes blatant, sometimes obscure) music references in my writing. These are an integral part of my language, but also, just for fun, you might like to try and spot them. Boys, especially (I know you love quizzes and trivia... of which, more later), and I will keep score! But, for every guess, you must also comment on the topic of my post :)

Back soon!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

For a self-confessed word addict like me, online dating can be amazingly pleasurable. When you find a like-minded would be mate and get into a groove, the banter becomes creative, and when even your writing style synchronises, it's a very exhilarating experience, and as I've said before, was the source of inspiration for this blog. In some cases, word play can be so satisfying that the physical reality can get left to one side, or if you do get round to meeting up, is often a little less sparkling than you'd expected.

However, in general it is usually agreed that men prefer pictures and women prefer words (style vs substance?). Interestingly, even A, my wordiest and wittiest sparring partner insisted that this is true and that the profile picture was by far the most important part of assessing the potential of a date.

He may have a point as there is a definite and often noticeable physical assessment on meeting a date for the first time, even those where the repartee has been stellar. But being a woman, I didn't want to concede to him without a little more detailed analysis of the facts, so I thought about this for a while and eventually developed a slightly less black and white version of events, that I believe holds true for both men and women:

• Pictures - first impressions, instant attraction... important initially, but ultimately only surface value
• Words - stimulating interest, developing desire... incredibly enjoyable, addictive even, powerful throughout, but not an end in themselves
• Actions - following through, making it happen, keeping it going... essential if you're finally going to get anywhere in relationships, or in life generally

Or for the psychologists and communications experts amongst you, a sort of VAK (visual / auditory / kinaesthetic) development of personal relationships. In first writing it down, I then also noticed that my theory fits neatly into the AIDA (attraction, interest, desire, action) marcomms model too. These two theories together make a neat package. VAK celebrates the fact that we all communicate differently, and encourages use of a range of communication methods for the most successful outcomes, or the need to be sensitive and adaptable to different people's preferences. AIDA, on the other hand, shows that we need to progress through a series of mind-sets to get to the required result. In the online dating scenario this means progressing from picture (attraction / visual) to word play (interest / auditory), first meet (desire / visual & auditory - a re-assessment), and on to second and subsequent dates where emotions become more engaged (action / kinaesthetic).

Pleased with my theory I set to pondering what this might mean in practice. It soon occurred to me, after a particularly successful date, that maybe I and several other online datees i've met have been stuck at the words phase for too long. Time to move on then; to actively develop and give free rein to those latent kinaesthetic tendencies. Easy when someone's been brave enough to lead the way, as this date had, but being the first to act could be a slightly greater challenge. Maybe i'll give it try soon of my own free will.

PS: Thanks to Daren (and apparently Bruce Cockburn) for the title of this post, which fit well with this idea I'd had some time ago... I have no such qualms about plagiarism, providing the source is properly attributed!

Playstation is His Girlfriend

There is a raffle at work to win a Sony Playstation 3. It has caused a lot of excitement. Mostly from men.

This hallowed object is not officially available in the shops until sometime next year. It's exclusivity therefore makes it highly desirable amongst the gadget freaks, geeks and anyone who has a 42" flat panel TV (so unnecessary in our tiny British homes). And there is a distinct difference in the male / female approach to the raffle, which incidentally is trying to raise money for Oxfam.

Male: OMG it's a PS3!!!!!! Is it real???? Where did you get it? Can I touch it???? Gimme tickets, NOW! I want this so badly. I have to WIN. What do you mean I'll have to wait 'til next Friday.

Female: What is it? Oh, a Playstation... go on I'll buy a ticket, seeing as it's for charity. I will give it to my boyfriend for Christmas... he will be so pleased if I win.

My first reaction was to exclaim:

"Ha, Ha... I so hope a girl wins this thing... I can just imagine the look on all the men's faces when she goes up to collect her prize. That would be soooo funny!"

Guilt then kicked in as I recalled a very funny scene in the recent movie Prime, that goes something like this:

Uma Thurman is dating a much younger man. She is crazy about him and wants to make him happy and his birthday is coming up...

Uma to girlfriend, "I was thinking of getting him a Nintendo, I think he really wants one"...

Girlfriend to Uma, "Do you like sex? Then DON'T get him a Nintendo!"

... cut to boyfriend, glazed eyes, thumbs a-frenzy, as Uma tries to entice him into the bedroom.

Should I warn them?

"Whatever you do, don't give it to your boyfriend. In fact, don't even mention it. Sell it on ebay and treat the two of you to a nice weekend away with the proceeds... in a hotel that does not have Playstations!"

But what is the allure of Playstation?
I asked some male friends and their girlfriends about the allure of Playstation and other boy's toys. It wasn't encouraging.

Men got noticeably excited, wanted to tell all about the differences between the different models, which games they liked best, their highest scores and their longest ever session (how many hours???). Sad, sad, sad! Mark even wanted to show his photographs of his collection of consoles. Weird!

Women on the other hand, mostly sighed and told me tales of woe... arguments, how he 'spends more time with that thing than he does with me' (how many hours???), how they've tried everything to entice him away from it and have sometimes even harboured thoughts of violence towards it. And yet ironically, these women will be buying him new games or a console for xmas, because he wants it so much and it will make him happy, and if he is happy then she is happy. Mad!!!

Could it be then, that most men have more of a relationship with their Playstation than they do with their Girlfriend? i.e. is Playstation really his Girlfriend?

Playstation = Girlfriend
Men fall in love with Playstations because:

• Their friends have one and therefore they must have one, preferably one that is better
• It's a gadget, with a technical specification and therefore a symbol of their masculinity
• It puts them unquestionably in the driving seat
• It does not require difficult conversations about feelings n' stuff
• It is competitive (ALL men are competitive about something) and they can win without going to the gym
• It makes them feel like James Bond or Superman, with all those baddies, fast cars, guns, monsters and unfeasibly constructed females
• They know which buttons to press to get the response they desire
• It allows them to indulge in the only sort of shopping they like... more gadgets, collections and geeky things
• They can always justify trading up to a new model and the latest, shiniest, most alluring model is always available providing they give good credit
• And if they're really good and ration themselves for a bit, their girlfriend might even buy them the latest model for xmas.

You'll notice that much of this is contrary to my (female) requirements for Music as Boyfriend. It might be interesting therefore to try extend the formula (for men) to Music as Girlfriend. What do you think... will the twain ever meet?

Music is My Boyfriend

Confess to pretending to be 22 again recently... joining all kinds of online social network sites - myspace, flickr, last.fm, del.icio.us, you know the sort of thing, well you might if you were 22! I keep kidding myself that it's all in the name of research and that there are even quite a few grown-ups using them too... both largely untrue. The fact is that before you know it these sites become mildly addictive and deeply fascinating as all forms of human life can be found there, and then some! And, admittedly, I also like the fact that no-one else much in my age group is doing this yet.

Anyway, by far the most satisfying is last.fm (my page is over there on the right, if you're interested). This really is a place where everyone is 22. For the techies out there it works something like this... you listen to your music via itunes or whatever, last.fm listens to what you're listening to, their 'puter then matches what you're listening to against what other people are listening to and tells you about some new stuff to listen to that those other folks are already listening to... so you then get a personalised radio full of new music that you'll probably quite like. Truly fab for a music obsessive like me, and for anyone who wants to pretend to be 22 again.

If you really want to be 22 you can also join in some of the discussion groups full of people going "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! ...woo!!!" and such like. Which is where I found the unlikely title of this post:

Music is My Boyfriend

...a group of mainly female 22 year olds, obsessing over music and wondering what it would be like if music really was their boyfriend. I liked their spirit and the group name sparked off a few ideas, something like this...

Music = Boyfriend
For music to be my boyfriend, music would need to fulfil a number of requirements:

• makes me deliriously happy
• occasionally talks about feelings n' stuff
• lets me party and dance like an idiot
• is independent and unconventional
• picks me up when i'm feeling down
• hugs me for no reason at all
• doesn't mind my shopping habit
• gives plenty of great sex
• is there, always

After pondering this list for a while, it seems to me that they're absolutely right, music could very easily be the perfect boyfriend.

Music = Emotion + Spirit + Shopping + Sex + Staying Power = Perfect Boyfriend

What's to disagree with, it's the perfect formula. Now if only I could lay my hands on one...

Which Music Would Be My Boyfriend?
Oooo, tough one that. My first port of call in researching this question was my last.fm charts, closely followed by my itunes most and recently played (lists!!! don't you just love 'em, boys... more coming soon). Since my number one, Francoiz Breut, is clearly a girl, my second favourite, Primal Scream, has to be my first choice:

• Emotion: uplifting - Moving On Up, and oh yes, the ballads - Cry Myself Blind, Sometimes I feel So Lonely...
• Spirit: rock n' roll, for sure - Loaded, Rocks, Dolls, Suicide Sally
• Shopping: CDs, downloads, gig tickets... I am a PS fan and I am an addict
• Sex: Leeds Festival 2006 - at least as good as sex, if not better... 90 minutes of pure euphoria and high for about 2 weeks afterwards
• Staying Power: 20 odd years and still going strong

WooHoo!!! Primal Scream is my boyfriend!

Or failing that, my favourite du jour, Paul Weller (wasn't he fantastic on the Beeb's Electric Proms the other week).

Four things got me started

The theme and this first proper post for the Meaning of Men blog came about suddenly one morning in my bath (a good place for lucid thinking). Whilst wallowing in a cloud of 'Relaxation' bubbles, four recent discussions collided ultra-violently in my head... and started to make sense, sort of...

A realisation – I will almost definitely never really know ‘the meaning of men’. And yet… it’s just so tempting to try to figure them out, isn’t it.

So here I am, trying to figure them out, and here are the four thoughts that got me started:

1) One thing at a time
After yet another dating disaster earlier this year where a promising start came to an abrupt halt, my good friend Michelle gave me this startling insight:

“men can only deal with one thing at a time"

Marvin Gaye agreed:

"too busy thinking' 'bout my baby, that I ain't got time for nothing else"

Well at least his one thing was his girl!

Michelle continued:

"so if they’re wrapped up in some (ex/job/financial/confidence) crisis or other, there’s no chance of them even thinking about a relationship - you just have to sit it out, and even then there's no guarantee they'll see sense"

Oh.

So Debbie Harry was right then:

"but i'll wait my dear 'til it's my turn"

But for how long??

Michelle's theory was also confirmed by a male friend who explained that when they first met, his partner had apparently gone through hell for a few days after he told her he wouldn't be in touch for a while as he would be busy with other people. She thought it was a brush off; he was just being practical and letting her know that he can only deal with one thing at a time.

2) The art and science of decision-making
But wait a minute, says I, according to the Guardian (What women don’t understand about men, 04/11/2006), with men,

“once a decision is made, it must not be seen to change”

which means that there is absolutely no point whatsoever in me waiting around for a man to get over his (ex/job/financial/confidence) crisis, in the hope that at some point in the future he will be overcome with passion for me, if he’s already told me he cannot continue just now because he’s not over his (ex/job/financial/confidence) crisis.

Because that would mean he would be seen to be changing his mind. If you get my drift…

Hmmm.

3) Fragile egos
So then I got to wondering (dangerous, I know)... if men are so linear and black and white in their thinking, why are so many of them using dating sites when they are, often by their own admission, not over their ex? i.e. they are not ready to move on and any new women will only cause them the anxiety of producing grey areas in their otherwise neat and tidy minds.

B, a prospective soulmate, had the answer:

“I'm really not in a good place, and thought this might be good for my confidence...at the mo, it's purely for bolstering purposes."

And yet...

"I'm not getting much luck with my emails, prob cos they sound miserable no matter how much I try!"

It seems that in the wake of a break-up he was attempting to give his fragile ego a bit of a boost. Clearly his strategy was not working, and yet he couldn't back down because he'd decided to give it a go. (incidentally he was not the only one doing this, just the only one to openly admit it).

Where's the logic in that???

My brain started to hurt at this point.

4) Unfathomable
Which brings me to the crux of the matter, ably demonstrated via a brief text conversation with a good (male) friend of mine, at the early stages of a promising new relationship I'd started:

S: How was the weekend?
Me: Mainly good, I think… but not really sure where it’s going. I’ve completely given up trying to fathom men!
S: Probably best to stop trying to understand us.
Me: OK it’s a deal… providing you tell us what you’re thinking now and again
S: In your dreams!

So there you have it, it is women's natural instinct to try to understand men and men's natural instinct to wonder why we're bothering.

The quest continues...

Introducing...

Me – would-be writer seeking a creative outlet. Inspired by words and music, but generally perplexed by the male of the species.

In my late 30s and never been married, I will readily admit that I’ve been a serial online dater for about four years now. During that time, as my confidence has grown and in order to keep myself entertained, I’ve started to play with the format. Over time I’ve become a little more creative in my approach to writing my profile and also in correspondence with potential dates. None of this has been a means of deception, just a more interesting way of getting to know people, and hopefully those that have responded favourably have enjoyed the process as much as I have.

As a result, I have also started to reflect upon the nature of communication between men and women. Finding this a fertile ground for discussion amongst my male and female friends, and indeed with some of my dates, I’ve decided to use both the subject matter and the collaborative creative approach that I've enjoyed so much in some of my more engaging online meeting-of-minds, in producing this blog. My intentions are simple and two-fold; to find out if I can write, and, to engage in an enjoyable and stimulating communication process.

One thing I’d like to make really clear from the start though - this blog is not an attack on men, but a celebration of their many, mainly endearing but mostly unfathomable, quirks, foibles and differences from women. There may well be some sweeping generalisations and even some glaring inconsistencies from time-to-time, but they will never be meant maliciously or very seriously.

So, I’d be delighted if anyone out there, female or male, wants to join in the process with me, contributing comments, ideas and debate. My only provisos are these:

1. tell me honestly what you think – agree and disagree (but be constructive)
2. carry on where I left off, adding further insights and material that fits with the overall theme of each post (especially you men – if you can unravel some of the mysteries that baffle us women then so much the better)
3. if possible, share your own stories and experiences (but keep them anonymous where necessary)
4. keep it relatively clean and light-hearted
5. have fun
   

In the meantime, I’d like to thank N for finally letting me think that I might be able to write, and both he and Daren for the idea that creativity could potentially be much more fun, dynamic and fruitful when shared with like minded people.