Actions Speak Louder Than Words

For a self-confessed word addict like me, online dating can be amazingly pleasurable. When you find a like-minded would be mate and get into a groove, the banter becomes creative, and when even your writing style synchronises, it's a very exhilarating experience, and as I've said before, was the source of inspiration for this blog. In some cases, word play can be so satisfying that the physical reality can get left to one side, or if you do get round to meeting up, is often a little less sparkling than you'd expected.

However, in general it is usually agreed that men prefer pictures and women prefer words (style vs substance?). Interestingly, even A, my wordiest and wittiest sparring partner insisted that this is true and that the profile picture was by far the most important part of assessing the potential of a date.

He may have a point as there is a definite and often noticeable physical assessment on meeting a date for the first time, even those where the repartee has been stellar. But being a woman, I didn't want to concede to him without a little more detailed analysis of the facts, so I thought about this for a while and eventually developed a slightly less black and white version of events, that I believe holds true for both men and women:

• Pictures - first impressions, instant attraction... important initially, but ultimately only surface value
• Words - stimulating interest, developing desire... incredibly enjoyable, addictive even, powerful throughout, but not an end in themselves
• Actions - following through, making it happen, keeping it going... essential if you're finally going to get anywhere in relationships, or in life generally

Or for the psychologists and communications experts amongst you, a sort of VAK (visual / auditory / kinaesthetic) development of personal relationships. In first writing it down, I then also noticed that my theory fits neatly into the AIDA (attraction, interest, desire, action) marcomms model too. These two theories together make a neat package. VAK celebrates the fact that we all communicate differently, and encourages use of a range of communication methods for the most successful outcomes, or the need to be sensitive and adaptable to different people's preferences. AIDA, on the other hand, shows that we need to progress through a series of mind-sets to get to the required result. In the online dating scenario this means progressing from picture (attraction / visual) to word play (interest / auditory), first meet (desire / visual & auditory - a re-assessment), and on to second and subsequent dates where emotions become more engaged (action / kinaesthetic).

Pleased with my theory I set to pondering what this might mean in practice. It soon occurred to me, after a particularly successful date, that maybe I and several other online datees i've met have been stuck at the words phase for too long. Time to move on then; to actively develop and give free rein to those latent kinaesthetic tendencies. Easy when someone's been brave enough to lead the way, as this date had, but being the first to act could be a slightly greater challenge. Maybe i'll give it try soon of my own free will.

PS: Thanks to Daren (and apparently Bruce Cockburn) for the title of this post, which fit well with this idea I'd had some time ago... I have no such qualms about plagiarism, providing the source is properly attributed!